When MH and I married years ago, the only connections that I had to the area where we lived were him and my job. MH has NEVER met a stranger - aside from the fact that we lived in the area where he was born and raised and knows everyone and their cousin's dog. "Our" friends, were HIS friends. I didn't really have any friends in the area, and I am not an outgoing person by nature*. I only had three close friends anyway (emotionally close, not geographically).
These things together meant that when MH and Teen were gone to deer camp or to the car races or anywhere without me, that I was kind of left to myself, by myself. To be clear: I absolutely cherish my alone time. But back then, I had TOO much alone time. I didn't know anyone in the area, and didn't do anything or go anywhere to meet anyone either. I played Bunco with a few girls, but only 'clicked' with one of the other eleven. I was overweight and self-conscious. I was angry at the world in general over my mom's death, and so I probably wasn't that pleasant to be around anyway. Naturally, I expected MH to fill this hole in my life. I would get angry at him for having plans with his friends and leaving me behind (even though I knew about the plans and didn't bother to make any of my own). See previous: 'wasn't that pleasant to be around'.
On weekends when Teen and MH were out living life, I was home cleaning. Part of me felt that that was what working wives/moms 'did'. Part of me used 'cleaning house' as an excuse to not leave the house. Yet another part truly wanted a presentable house in case anyone wanted to drop by (HA!!). A lot of me was resentful that THEY were out living life while I was home cleaning, even though this was mainly by my choice. It bothered me that they didn't notice immediately, and messed up my hard work even sooner. Our house was pretty clean, but I was MISERABLE.
At some point, the resentment took over (or maybe my mental health started improving??), and I quit allowing myself to feel fully responsible for our home’s cleanliness. I never allowed the kitchen or bathrooms to become disgusting, but I did allow some dust and laundry to pile up. I also let go of some of my issues regarding my way being the best way. I enlisted MH and Teen to help. I don’t mean to imply that they didn’t always help. They did and do, especially with laundry and vacuuming, but I wanted it done 'right'.
Coincidentally, our house flooded around this time. KC and her husband's house was around the corner from ours, and their house flooded too. Oddly, we bonded through that experience, and KC and BC became OUR first real friends as a couple - of course, KC and MH attended elementary and junior high together, but were not adult friends. All of a sudden, there was someone for me to hang out with on the weekends. The C's bought a house in a new subdivision, and we bought the lot across the street to build our current house.
I never felt that same 'cleanliness responsibility' that I felt in our other house. We still kept the kitchen and bathrooms clean, but everything else got done whenever it got done. Laundry was hit or miss. Prior to March 2009, Sunday was our laundry day. Since we started attending church, Sundays are incredibly busy for us, and we usually just fall into bed without much thought about the house. I even told MH that Jesus doesn’t want us to do laundry.
MH has an issue with discarding items, and we both have an amazing ability to amass clutter. Teen has this ability too, but we force his clutter to his room and shut the door. :) Clutter drives me crazy, but obviously, I must love it somewhere deep-down because I always have it around me! On more than one occasion, knowing the house would have to be cleaned was enough to convince us to host an event**.
When Tot came along, other things regarding cleanliness got worse. Sub-consciously (at first, but deliberately now), I decided that I would not miss out on fun due to being a responsible adult. HIS laundry stays done - mostly because I can fit it all in one load. The kitchen is a priority, and the bathrooms are decent. The laundry, dusting, de-cluttering, and mopping junk leaves much room for improvement. We did hire someone to do that stuff for us, but I found that the specific person we hired was not really earning the money we were paying. Also, it made me feel like a lazy failure for needing to hire someone in the first place.
I would be pretty embarrassed if someone were to drop in today, but I wouldn’t have minded Saturday. Earlier this summer, we got on a laundry kick and kept up with it for about 2 whole months – it was glorious, but we have slid a little due to not having an entire day each week to devote to laundry***. We are catching up now. I don’t like that our house is messy, but I don’t hate it either. I am determined to cherish this time in our lives, even if our house is often a mess in the process. I do feel that there must be a way to have a great memories and a mostly clean house and that cleaning shouldn’t have to be a mad dash because people will be here in five minutes!
*herewegoajen describes herself (and me).
**I seriously thought we were the only ones to do this, but as one soon learns on the Internet – that is not the case!
***A Slob Comes Clean is fantastic, and I intend to start cleaning as soon as I finish reading the entire thing from start to finish!
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